UNITED STATES—In his prime, dear old dad slaved away behind a pharmacy counter for half a century, counting pills, deciphering doctors' indecipherable chicken scratch and labeling medicines. His reward: to see the kids on average, twenty minutes a day, sit in an easy chair, watch unlimited television and be reduced after fifty routine into a quivering pat of butter. These days everything is so much more fast paced. Men are taking a much more hands-on role in their children's upbringing. Studies have shown that in less than two minutes flat it is now possible for a father, especially a father sharing custody of the child, a father exposed from low to moderate doses of Hannah Montana and not infrequently enduring the word "Hel-lo!" from their own progeny (used to indicate "Wake up, stupid," rather than as a greeting) to be reduced to a quivering pat of butter.
As your gift today, dad, prepare to unwrap these helpful tips designed to release stress. (Sorry I didn't wrap them in anything fancy; they're in a brown sack, but that's fancy for me.)
1.Let them eat cupcake - Zero tolerance for finicky eaters. Kids who'll drink only organic milk from hormone-free cows pastured in Kentucky bluegrass--phooey on them. Having cupcakes on the menu 24-hours-a-day is a real kid pleaser and eliminates any need to watch the nutritional value of the things they're putting in their mouths.
2. Avoid being a coat rack - From an early age, kiddies have a proclivity to foist sweaters and jackets off on harried adults. In this case, be honest. Appeal to kids' nascent reason: "I only have two arms and one of them must be free for spanking."
3. Whine Country - Since the stone age, whining has replaced the spiked club and brute strength as a powerful tool of persuasion, oft exploited by weaklings and youngsters. Nothing has been shown to throw the body chemistry into a tizzy as soon as whining. Chief Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes, the beloved jurist, and himself a devoted mother, opined, "The Death penalty is a barbarous throwback to lex talionis, an eye-for-an-eye, but in the case of whining, I'd make an exception."
4. Don't pay any attention to what children say (they're children) - On any given day, dad, you may be subjected comments, insistent and repetitive as a cricket's screech. These are designed to get under your skin: "I'm bored," "I'm hungry," or "It's not fair." These are all bait offered from the manipulative mouths of babes--to deliberately rattle you, single dad, and undermine your judgment. The key to stress-free child-rearing is to disregard the literal meaning of these statements. "It's not fair," and other such expression translate into, "Give me a cupcake, please."
5. Saying please - If you end up tagging these words to your child's every bossy utterance, you're a sap.
6. Brushing teeth - Children plain don't like brushing teeth. Whether it is the rough bristles against the tender gums or the minty flavor of shaving cream the upset parent inadvertently puts on the brush, who's to say. No amount of arm twisting or intimidation will convince them otherwise. And the mood gets downright putrid if it's school time and the child is running late for school or the parent imagines caries chipping away like little coal miners at beautiful new enamel and a future of endless dental bills. One option for the brushing conundrum is to promise a bowl of ice cream if they'll brush their teeth and then change your mind. Kids change theirs all the time. Sure, they'll answer whinily, "It's not fair." And you'll say, "You can't have ice cream or you'll have to brush your teeth again."
7. If you think kids are trying, you should see people in public. In church, shopping malls, or wherever it may be, when faced by squealing tantrums or kids scampering around spastically, what frowning masks of indignation they put on, ghastly looks. Like they really work at being outraged. And to these toads the vexed dad has every right to yell in a high-decibel voice, "Have a heart! You were children once, too, you sour-pussed nincompoops!"
