BEVERLY HILLS—Of my eleven closest girlfriends, I had the fewest relationship problems. My ongoing examination of why they were continuously crushed by their short-lived relationships helped me discover my secrets of dating theory.
I wasn’t the hottest of my clan, but you’d think I was considering my dating success. They would attract good catches, but only for a limited time.
I learned to predict which phase my friends’ relationships were in at a given time by observing them together. When put to the test, my dating theory was right more than wrong.
Every relationship has as many as four stages, and believe it or not, women own 100% of the control over how quickly and far the relationship develops.
Guy: “This is the hottest chick ever, I can’t believe she’s going out with me.”
Girl: “Yea I met this guy, he’s kinda cute.”
The guy wants to impress the girl. She’s flattered, but not invested. He showers her with gifts, cleans his car, wears cologne, opens every door, takes her on nice dates to impress her. He has zero interest in other girls. She’s the one for him!
She isn’t as excited as he is, only willing to accept an invite when convenient for her. He, on the other hand, is willing to miss the Super Bowl to see his new love interest. He is chasing her.
This could begin as early as the first week or as late as years into a relationship.
Typically, this phase lasts 1-2 months, beginning after the couple has had sex for the first times. He’s relaxed, content, and still very much invested in the girl.
They are labeled the cutest couple by their peers. Her world shifts to accommodate this new priority in her life. This stage, also known as the “Honeymoon Stage,” so named because they can’t get enough of each other, marks the only time when their emotional investment is equal.
Their attraction for each other is as level as it will ever be. They are no longer chasing each other. In comparison to Stage One, the girl is more committed and the guy is less.
If marriage doesn’t happen by the end of this phase, it will not happen at all.
The soon-to-be-doomed couple have already traveled from their first date to having frequent, non-committed sex. The girl is very much “in love,” her world revolving around the guy. She will change her plans for him at a moment’s notice. They start to move their belongings into each other’s homes.
This phase is a complete reversal from Stage One. Instead of the guy chasing the girl, she chases him. She may even drop hints about living together and getting married.
The guy will occasionally snap, becoming annoyed or tired of her. This is where he usually wants “space,” longing for more time to bond with his guy friends. However, the space has nothing to do with him needing space. By this time, his interest has peaked and is in free-fall. He’s ready for something new.
The girl may have spells of nagging or crying. Some girls are careful to hide their feelings of disappointment, knowing if they keep it in, they will eventually get what they want.
The girl becomes manipulative, wanting to marry the Mr. Perfect of old. By contrast, the guy doesn’t want to make a lifelong commitment at this point in his life.
When her tactics prove unsuccessful, she will resort to playing games, making him jealous or pushing his buttons in an attempt to reel him back in. The weaker minded, more insecure guys fall for this trap. Guilted into marriage or cohabitation, these relationships typically end in unhappiness, divorce, or unplanned pregnancy.
In his mind, he has already gone full circle. He has found the girl of his dreams, courted her, married her, and enjoyed her in every possible fantasy. Now, he’s ready to divorce her and move on to the next girl.
He won’t admit the relationship is based on convenience yet he will begin to show it by his behavior. He may not bother to take a shower before they are together or even clean his room. He has lost all motivation to impress. Instead of dating, they will “hang out.”
He wont break up with her, but will stay until something better comes along, only submitting if she succeeds in her manipulation to marry her.
Watching him pull away is painful for her. He secretly treasures the opportunity to develop crushes on other girls. He feels ready for something new, and she struggles with his lack of interest in the relationship.
She might notice his wandering eyes and voice her disapproval, creating more distance between the two. Out of love for her, the more conscientious guys will make efforts to renew his interest, but can’t deny desiring a new type of “love.” This causes feelings of guilt and confusion, pushing the two further apart.
The couple might resort to typical marriage counseling: following suggestions like role-playing in the bedroom, watching saucy movies, dressing up in sexy clothes, or even agreeing to a weekly “date night.”
These efforts are grand, but they are forced and short lived. It’s not an excited couple desiring to be together. It’s now something they must make an concerted effort at so they won’t stay unhappy. It’s work.
To keep himself involved and motivated, he may try to focus on the sex. But as soon as something promising comes along, he’s gone.
Thanks to my cultural limitations, which most Americans consider oppressive, I never make it beyond Stage One with my boyfriends. It’s enjoyable and I’m not oppressed. Girls actually wield all of the power. I’ve never been in a relationship with a guy who didn’t want to be around me, who made me cry endlessly and saddened me. When I break up, it’s my decision and I’m strong. There are no feelings of desperation.
It’s painful to watch my friends lose their dignity, endlessly texting a guy that won’t respond. Then, when he responds, she’s relieved until they have sex again. Then he vanishes. It’s obvious what he’s about.
I have been able to achieve personal success, working independently towards my dreams, ambitions, and goals. Meanwhile, my peers waste their time chasing Mr. Perfect. My cultural boundaries keep my life in balance. I avoid the impure thoughts that lead you to Stage Two, giving me the distance to objectively judge if I truly wanted to spend the rest of my life with a person.
Boyfriends are like jalapeños. Some love loads of jalapeños. That is, until their mouth becomes so jaded by the spice they can’t taste anything else. I prefer to take tiny bites. That’s all I need to get the kick without the burn, still savoring the full taste of life.
I would love to hear your secrets. Please email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.